Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odors on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give "Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington

Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing which I am privileged to share with you:

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.

Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.

"I'm hiding!"

If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.

You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.

Smokey tests the water!

He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.

In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through.

That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.

He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry.

This isn't usually the case.

As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

Does a cat make you sneeze? - Most people aren't really allergic to cats, just to the allergens that collect in a cat's fur.

A three-minute tub bath can remove 79 percent of the allergens on most cats. But the effect doesn't last. The bath has to be repeated every week to be effective.

People allergic to cat dander don't need to come into contact with a cat to develop symptoms. After working alongside cat owners all day, enough cat allergens can be found on the clothes of non-cat owners to cause red eyes and congestion among those who are highly allergic. And if you wear a wool sweater, the exposure jumps 11-fold, according to Australian researchers.

Regardless of how clean an allergy sufferer keeps his or her home, allergy specialist Dr. Chris Corrigan tells the BBC News that both cat and dust mite allergens are nearly everywhere in workplaces and public venues. Because infrequently washed clothes were found to carry more allergens on their surface, it seems good advice for anyone with acute cat allergies to wash clothing frequently.

Did your mother tell you never to rub your eyes? Then you should have paid attention, because researchers at the Tufts University School of Medicine agree with her. They said so in the December 2000 issue of Ophthalmology. And that goes more than double if you're allergic to cats.

When 13 allergy-free subjects had their eyes rubbed, they showed symptoms of increased eye itching that lasted for 15 minutes.

But when 20 subjects with an allergy to cats had their eyes rubbed and then were exposed to cat dander, they had the same annoying itch, but it lasted up to an hour.

Read: "The Older Cat: Helping You to Recognize Decline and Extend Life" by Dan Poynter and "202 Pets' Peeves: Cats and Dogs Speak Out on Pesky Human Behavior" by Cal Orey

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